Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a"Either this wallpaper goes or I do" - last words of Oscar Wilde.
"It's good to be here. In fact, at my age, it's good to be anywhere" - George Burns
"Waiter, some champagne for my real friends and some real pain for my sham friends" - Groucho Marx
"Are you really five foot six inches? Forget about the five foot and let's talk about the six inches" - Mae West to a young manNever moon a werewolf. --- Mike Binder
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. --- Groucho Marx
Give me fresh air, golf clubs and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and fresh air. --- Jack Bennysome mistakes are too much fun too do only once
people age like fine wine ,i age like milk
gravitation should not be held responsible for people falling in love.
some people are so open minded that thjeir minds fall out.
genius has it's limits,idiocy has no limits.
people who fall in puppy love always end up in bitchy endings.My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
-- Elayne Boosler
Now I know why some animals eat their young.
Roseanne Barr
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams
I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken **** and chicken salad.
-- Lyndon B Johnson
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
[on Michael Jackson]
Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.
Robin Williams
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
Suicide hotline, please hold.
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Is it true when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother? Priscilla Queen of the DesertI think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
Douglas Adams
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James BrownIdioms, Quotes and Sayings.
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http://a4esl.org/q/h/idioms.html"God put us on the Earth to watch us and kills us when we get boring. Never, ever, be boring."
~~AnonymousA man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
--Rhonda Hansome
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow!
--Kathy Buckley
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
--Albert Einstein
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
--Arthur Schopenhauer
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
--Dorothy Parker
Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
--Friedrich Nietzsche"always follow your dreams, except that one when your at school in your underwear!"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
~Will Rogers
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
~George Burns
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?
~Jean Kerr